I created this image while unemployed in Vermont. I agreed to watch a very isolated house of a friend and planned on getting a job in the closest city. Unfortunately, however, I ran out of money before I found work and became stranded at the house. Slowly, alone in the house, my life became a scene reminiscent of the movie “The Shining” staring Jack Nicholson.
This image expresses a feeling of isolation, solitude, and sadness. It was not based on my experience in Vermont (though I’m sure that added a lot to its expression) but rather on my lifelong inability to be a normally functioning member of society. In my life I have always felt disparate in relation to my community. When making this image I was reflecting on the course of my life and this ineptitude that has always haunted me. I think my inability to find a satisfactory job in Vermont was prodding me to dig up these feelings.
This is also the first image from “The Story” (see Synopsis of Work: The Bodies of Work I Pull From).
Two Societies
This image also comes from “The Story”. It is a rendition of two dialectical societies. It can be interpreted as two fictional societies, two real societies, culture vs. counterculture, the individual in the workplace etc. Though there is lots of latitude for interpretation most explanations share certain commonalities.
In this image there is a geometric pattern on the left and an organic pattern on the right. The geometric pattern conveys a feeling of order and represents “The World of Order” in “The Story”. The three large squares in this pattern represent the individuals that make up the world of order. In this picture the world of order is dominating the world of the synapses. The three large squares on the left despise the organic synapses on the right but most of all they are angry at the small orange square. The small orange square, like the dying synapses, doesn’t fit into his world. He is a renegade and a misfit. Unlike the dying synapses, however, the small orange square is not depressed. He finds happiness in life. He especially finds happiness in the world of the synapses and often chooses to spend his time there rather than the world of order.
Inside the Red Square
This image is from the “The Story.” It has a meaning connected to the plotline of the story and a similar but slightly different meaning as a standalone piece. In the story this is a depiction of a moment when the dying synapse is consumed by a giant red square while visiting the hostile world of order. Inside the giant red square the dying synapse can see chaos, hell, torture, and death. Death is depicted by the many synapses and dying synapses that are orientated in the same direction pointing down. They are dead. This is the point in the story where the dying synapse realizes that he/she/it is in trouble and notices for the first time the hostility of the world of order.
As a standalone piece this image conveys the feeling of hell, torture, chaos, death, or something bad.
On the Playground 1
On the Playground is an image that as of yet does not fit into “The Story” though perhaps it eventually could as the body of work continues to grow. At the moment this piece belongs to a body of work I call “Community”. It has a general meaning and a specific meaning that is personal to me.
The general meaning of this piece conveys an idea; the multitude of shapes or synapses on the left intend to harm the shape (dying synapse) on the right. The dying synapse, at this moment, is feeling a profound sense of isolation and despair.
This image also has a personal meaning to me. It is an abstraction of a specific moment in my life; the moment right before I was attacked by a mob of older students none of whom I knew. They attacked me for no reason and without provocation when I was in the fourth grade. I think they beat me down because I was different from them. I often spent time alone, was slightly withdrawn, unpopular, and physically weak. I was a daydreamer, a bookworm and a nerd. I had no fighting experience.
Just before the moment depicted in the painting I was playing with a friend at recess. I looked across the playground, and far away, on the other side, I saw a group of kids organizing in the distance. They were conglomerating and becoming a mob. Even though they were older and I didn’t know them, had never spoken to them even, my friend and I both knew they were coming for me. My friend said, “I think they are coming for you” to which I replied by saying, “I know.”
To this day I still don’t understand how we both knew they were coming for me. It seems unlikely that we would have known because we didn’t know them, had not provoked them, and they were still far away. How did we know they were coming for me and not my friend or the both of us? How did we know they were not organizing for a different purpose? Whether it was their body language, vibes, or some deeper understanding that I somehow didn’t fit in, I may never know. However, one thing is certain; we both knew they were coming for me.
To test this theory I started walking in a direction away from the mob and I watched out of the corner of my eye. When the entire mob changed direction, instantly, as if it was thinking as an organic whole, to match my new course, I knew I was doomed. This is the moment and feeling depicted in the painting. It is the powerless waiting for the lynching you know is coming. I did not symbolize my friend in the painting because at that moment, when I knew they were coming for me, I suddenly felt so incredibly alone. Even in my own recollection I cannot remember the presence of my friend after our dialog. I cannot even remember who he was. I only remember that we both knew they were coming for me.
And then they beat me down.
The process of how this painting came to be is also interesting to its expression. While I was thinking one day, I began to consider my social ineptitude and inability to integrate with normal society. I was not making art at the moment, nor was I trying to think of ideas for artwork. Instead, I was laying on the couch before bed at which point I began thinking about how I felt disconnected from people. This led me to think about the first moments I was labeled as different. I began to remember things from my early childhood and I began to remember this childhood beatdown in detail for the first time in fifteen years. As I was remembering this moment vividly, the image of the digital painting (in black and white with a blue tint) began to materialize over the scene in my mind. It would fade in and out at half opacity and flicker over the images of the beatdown in my mind. I knew at that moment I would have to create the image and I made a note of it and went to bed. The next day I woke up and created the image.
This image is a continuation of the story presented in “On the Playground 1”. It is the face-off between a dying synapse and a regular synapse.
This image is a depiction of the dying synapse after the fight in “On the Playground 1” and “2”.
This image comes from a subsection of the “Community” series that deals with the corporate world. In this picture the image of a semicolon on the right is juxtaposed with the vibrant depiction of life on the left. I chose green as the dominant color because green is the color of life. This accentuates the shapes on the left representing life but leaves the semicolon lacking in color. The semicolon is hueless and isolated in a blank, colorless world. It is the world of the corporation.
This image is similar in meaning to the first one in the series. It is the image of a semicolon in a square traveling through life. The semicolon is inside the box and isolated in his cubicle. He is alone. He is what we often consider the epitome of normal and yet, when seen in his true context he is a freak. He is lonely and forsaken.
The top of this image is a segment of life. This is contrasted by the larger area comprised of squares in semicolons that represent the corporate world. On the bottom right side is a misplaced dendrite. He does not fit into the corporate world nor does he fit into the segment of life. He is out of place.
This image is composed of a circle filled with life. On each side dendrites extend from the circle of life. They are reaching out to darkness. They grow towards darkness like plants grow towards natural sunlight. Behind the circle of life is a half covered black circle. It is the shadow of life representing death.
The right side of this image is composed of a rectangular shape filled with synapses. It is a segment of life. The left side is made up of a black circle and downward facing, irregular, dying synapses. These shapes represent death. Behind them is the faint image of plant-life (trees) representing growth. Long dendrites extend from the segment of life, into the darkness. They are reaching for it, growing to it. They embrace death.
In the left center of this image, is a rectangle filled with synapses. It is a segment of life. This segment of life partially eclipses the black circle behind it. The circle is a hole. It can represent, darkness, depression, or death. It is the shadow of life. At the bottom of the image is a band of darkness. This band of darkness cuts through life.
These images are part of the “Darkness Series”. They depict the idea that the dying synapses are attracted or drawn to darkness. The black circle or hole found in these images can be symbolic of many things. It is meant to be a metaphor for a form of self destructive depression. The dying synapses are drawn to this darkness. Even though it is potentially harmful they embrace it. Is it their world, is it where they live? Are they aware of its potential harm? In “Down the Hole #1”, the vertically aligned image, there is an anthropomorphism of the dying synapses and an almost playful nature to their body language. This makes them look like they are curious about the black circle and unaware of (or uncaring about) its destructive capabilities. They are drawn to darkness like a moth to flame. Even if it destroys them they will revel in it and love it.
See image 1
See image 2
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Sinking Into Darkness (or rising?)
With this image I was attempting to make the dying synapses look like they were sinking into darkness, however, I think they are more often interpreted as rising from darkness. I chose to keep this piece despite its failure because it still shows an interplay between the synapses and darkness. The idea that the synapses are rising from darkness is a subtle variation of this interplay. I also chose to keep this image because it is visually pleasing to me and expressive of a feeling.
The Wave comes from the “Darkness Series.” It is an image depicting death. On the right side of the image there is a group of dying synapses that form a half circle. In front of them are the dendrites of a comrade beyond which is a wave of black. This wave is symbolic of a foreboding darkness to which the dying synapses have a special relationship. This darkness can symbolize many things. Is the darkness coming to claim the remains of the dead one or is it coming for the others as a result of the death? Is the darkness symbolic of a feeling or is the darkness a physical presence? Will it kill the others or will the others embrace it? I leave it to the viewer to decide what it means.
This image is a depiction of how I feel in a world controlled by people who are “larger” than me. If you think of the kid who is bad at sports, nerds vs. fraternity boys, the janitor sweeping the halls after a football game, or any number of other similar ideas, you understand this image. To me it represents a person who does not fit into the corporate world of industry but it can signify many things to different people. This image is from the series called “Community”.